Should I Sit On It Or Let It Go?
Posted on June 19, 2008 - Filed Under Polls/Opinions
Dear Granddaughter of the Woman Who Owned the House Before Me,
I’m not an uncharitable person, but I must say I was surprised to receive your letter yesterday, and feel I must turn down your request. You see, I did meet your grandmother when she was selling this house to me back in 1999. I was so sorry to learn she had lost her husband and that is why she was moving. She was a real sweetheart. So when she mentioned that she wanted to have one of her sons comeback to the house to retrieve a garden bench that belonged to her husband, my husband and I were fine with that. We even got some help and moved the bench from where its pieces were stored behind the shed, to out in front of our fence so that nobody would have to venture all the way into the yard to get it. But nobody ever came to get the bench.
A few years later, we heard that your grandmother had passed away. Again, I was saddened. It seems a lot of bad circumstances were befalling your family. Then the original owner’s daughter (perhaps she is your mother) contacted us through some neighbors who are still living in the area, asking if she could still have the bench and we said, “Sure.” But again, nobody ever came to get it. We later found out her brother had passed away. Sad again.
I’m glad to hear that you now have a new house with a good sized yard and I’m sure you would love to have the bench. But, now it has been sitting there for over eight years. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that it is staying. I’ve been using it over the last five years and I’ve got plans for it for when we “renovate” our yard and garden in the next year. You say that both of your grandparents have passed away and it would mean a lot to you. But they have both been gone for several years now. I feel that if it meant that much to you, you wouldn’t have waited until you had a good sized yard to ask for it. My yard is not a storage unit, after all. Also, I am afraid to give it to you. I almost think the bench has a kind of curse on it. Every time someone in your family asks for it, someone in your family dies. 
Sincerely,
Teeni
Note: This is a true story and I wonder what all of you think. Am I being mean to actually want to keep the bench at this point? It is the cement bench on the left in the picture above.
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33 Responses to “Should I Sit On It Or Let It Go?”
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You put that very kindly, instead of telling HER to sit on it
You owe nothing to her, if it was of sentimental value, it would have been gone already.
Thanks, Witchypoo. I feel the same way.
i agree with witchypoo. if the bench was that important to her, she would have had it a long time ago. she just can’t impose things at her own convenience.
without your note in red, i would have thought it’s a joke.
Yeah, I thought it was a joke when I got the letter. I can’t believe that after another five years someone is asking me for that bench. I can’t afford a big yard or a new bench and I was kinda hoping after all this time that I could keep this one that I’ve been using all along. I guess I’m going to have to put on my thinking cap for this one.
I agree, if they wanted it they would have come to get it by now. You put it nicely, I would just leave it at that.
Thanks, Paige.
My feeling would be that if they actually wanted it, they would have come to get it long ago…..
Besides they probably won’t actaully come even if you say it’s okay.
LOL! You’re probably right about that last bit Kami!
The granddaughter might not have known that you still had the bench? Grandmom might have forgotten to tell her sons the first time. Since other people in the family were doing the asking the granddaughter might have assumed one of them had it?
If I were in that situation I would let her have it, but I would tell her she needed to pick it up by a certain date; otherwise, I would assume she didn’t want it. I don’t really get attached to material things that belong to someone I care about to make me think about them, but some people do find comfort in those items.
You may be right that she may not have known but it would be odd since she really doesn’t live all that far from here and there are still friends/relatives that they are in touch with up this way. I like your idea about having a certain date as a limit. I’m just not so sure I want to give it up after all this time now. I really did have plans for it when we do the garden over. Hmm - maybe they can buy me a new bench and take this one if it means that much to them?
Or a glider swing?
That should have been…
I don’t get attached to material things that belong to someone I care about. I don’t need objects to think about them, but I realize that some people do find comfort in those items.
LOL. Well, I’m attached to the bench now and I didn’t even know the people who owned it that well.
You’re NOT being mean, Teeni - the bench is lovely, and looks great on your property.
Thanks VeggieGirl. I appreciate the kind words. That picture is a little biased - I’ve since let the wild violets go crazy in that area but that is because I know we are going to be re-doing the garden area soon.
Teeni,
i find it interesting that i painted that bench in the watercolour i sent you….
after eight years, it’s time for everyone to let the bench go. it’s yours now. you’re absolutely right - your yard is not a storage facility.
That is oh so true! I almost forgot about that - you DID paint that and I remember now how shocked I was when you sent that and I recognized it right away. So cool that you painted it without even knowing about it! Also, I’m sure she cared about her grandparents and all, I don’t think that is not the case. But when we moved in, it wasn’t even out in the yard. It was taken apart and stuffed behind a shed with a bunch of old chicken wire and rocks. And I think the Statute of Limitations in the United States is only seven years.
Sounds like a family of “flakes” to me. I’d probably have said something like, “if you ACTUALLY make it out here you can have it but I don’t expect that is going to happen so I’ll be keepin’ my bench, thanks!” But I’m a smart a** like that!
Came over from Kami’s blog - nice to “meet” you!
Nice to meet you too, Elaine! Welcome to the Vaguetarian Tea Room! Kami is a hot ticket and a sweetheart, isn’t she? I like your thinking about the bench too. LOL. Seriously, I’m not trying to make enemies but I don’t like getting walked all over either and allowing someone to “store” something here for eight years and then think they can just take it away once I’ve gotten used to the idea that they are not coming for it, feels like I’m getting walked on. **sigh**
Eight years? That’s way long enough to pick up something that supposedly has so much meaning to you. You should have said sure you can have it if you want to pay storage charges for it for the past 8 years. Let’s see, a 5X10 storage unit (smallest you can get around here) @ $65.00 a month X 8 years = $6240.00.
That bench is yours and always has been. Soon she’ll want your bushes and trees too. Don’t feel guilty at all about this. They had their chance.
Thanks, Joan - you cracked me up! I got a kick out of charging her for storage! Seriously, then I could afford to buy a couple of those benches. If she pays up, I’ll buy one for you too for your oasis!
I would be scared to take it from you, or even sit on it. that thing is surly cursed! :O
You’re not being mean, just crazy to keep it.
Throw Holy Water on it. Have it exercised!
ROFL! Throw Holy Water on it! I also think you are right about the crazy part. But it isn’t hurting anyone where it is - it’s only when someone says they are coming to get it.
No way, you are not being mean! You explained it so nicely. Of course they would have come and retrieved it already if they REALLY wanted it. They obviously don’t want it that much, they just feel “obliged” to get it back because all the other relatives who said they would, didn’t.
I like Kami’s suggestion. Tell her she can have it; she won’t collect it!
Heehee. She’s so smart, that Kami. I just want to hug her for giving me the giggle when I needed it. And thanks for thinking I’m not mean.
I like the way you ended that!
You have every right to keep the bench and she has no reason to be upset if she can’t have it back. If you were to let her have it, that would be very generous of you. I think I’d let her have it if she wanted to come and get it, but as Opal said above, give her a time limit. Of course, it also depends on how much the bench means to you. You have certainly had enough time to get attached to it too!
I guess what I’m saying is that I think you should either keep it and DO NOT feel guilty about it, or give it up and feel like a saint.
I do like that time limit idea. I will have to think on that a bit. Thanks for making me feel good no matter which way I go with it.
Hmm. I think you should send that letter (minus that last sentance perhaps) to her… Sentimental value is great, but 8 years is far too long to use a stranger as a storage facility.
Thanks Leaf! Oh, LOL - Yeah, I would never really include those last sentences - even though they seem eerily true - but I wanted to include them for you guys. Cause that’s the brand of cool I am.
I so liked Joan’s idea of calculating all that storage time into an invoice! ouch. I actually have conflicted thoughts on this. Most are agreeing that you can feel just fine abt keeping the bench, it seems, and I don’t disagree. Like, I said, I’m conflicted here. I don’t know. if you do consider a time limit, I’d make it ONE HOUR long. an appt would be best. PS I’m laughing at your meez pic! You change it up often, don’t you!
LOL - I understand the conflict, C! Believe me - that’s why I did the post! I am conflicted with wanting to be nice and give something of sentimental value to someone, but then I don’t like being treated like a storage unit and I actually wonder how much sentimental value there really is and how much is just a feeling of having a nice yard and not wanting to shell out money to furnish it. Also, when I put myself in her position, I would never have the nerve to ask for something from someone after that long a period of time.
Ah, the more I think about this… (what, all of 3 minutes?!) is to KEEP it. You owe her nothing.
LOL. Thanks for your time and your thoughts on this, C! I really do appreciate it!
You know I totally agree with your thinking, sometimes enough is enough and well they had their chance to come get it several times and failed.
Keep the bench and don’t feel bad. You have been more than cooperative in the past, you snooze you loose!
Thanks for your input, Talina! It certainly has been making my head spin.
I’d say, “Sure, come on over and get it — if you aren’t afraid of its CURSE OF DEATH! MAHAHAHAHA!”
Then they’d probably be afraid of even meeting you.
LOL. Thanks, Chip. I needed that.
Hmmm, how interesting. I think the bench has found it’s home, right where it is. I think too perhaps it means more to you now than the other person. I’m not even sure they have any right to it now, after all these years.??
ps. as per your comment on my blog, you’re never late to a party teeni!
It actually has come to mean a lot to me and it is very useful. My nieces and nephews sit on it with me when they are over, I use it to sit on and store the “kindling” that I pick up in my yard when I’m using the chimnea, etc. Thanks about the comment! I know we both have large circles of buddies so it seems we don’t get a chance to comment as much as we used to, but I always read your posts through my reader no matter what!
Well, Im gonna be different and say that you should give it to the person. Heck, you should also load it up into a truck and take it to them. Storage. Delivery. You do it all, Teeni.
I kid. If it was that important, it shoulda been picked up at least 7.75 years ago.
LOL. Yeah, I’m wondering when someone in that family is going to come back and start asking for other stuff that was left behind - like maybe the windows or the paint on the walls, sheesh. Thanks, Red.
Possession is 9/10ths of the law (whatever that means).
I don’t care if it was a huge fishing boat or an RV, if it sat in my yard for that long, unclaimed, I would consider it mine. 
You are so right, Spidey - it is hard not to consider it mine when it has been sitting there and I’ve been using it all this time. Hmm - I wish it were a huge RV though.
While I think the bench is definitely yours at this point, the letter is nicely written but I would leave out “I almost think the bench has a kind of curse on it. Every time someone in your family asks for it, someone in your family dies.”
With that being said, you are very wise Teeni. I feel bad that you kept having to haul it back and forth under the assumption that someone was going to come and get it. It’s right where it belongs now. I will say though, it’s creepy to me that she would try to contact you at this point, after all these years. Maybe we should take up a collection so she can go buy herself a bench? LOL!
LOL. Don’t worry, JQ! I’d never actually write that letter exactly as it were written on my post - that would be too mean, especially the parts about her family members dying. However, I think I have crafted a real response in my head that is fair and I can live with - but I’m going to wait a couple of weeks to share it with you all. All of your responses have helped a lot though! I appreciate it.
Hugs.
FTR,
I don’t think you are a bad person for not doing it. You are fabulous. At times, I overanalyze things so yeah that would be a typical thing for me to do and yeah it drives me nuts also. So you can imagine how my close buddies react when I start doing it.
I only wrote what I did because well…My mom is the type that does not tell me anything. It’s always been that way even as a child. I’m an adult now and although we aren’t close I still talk to her almost daily. I have to hear news from other relatives. The granddaughter might be in that situation. It gets frustrating.
Aw, thanks Opal! I do that overanalyzing thing myself quite a bit and I also always do a little playing of the devil’s advocate too. I’m sorry your mom doesn’t tell you things and that you have to find out from other relatives. Sometimes I think mothers are our worst enemies. LOL. They really know how to hurt or put guilt trips on us like nobody else can! Anyway, no worries - I didn’t think you were being mean to me and I value your opinion and the time you take to comment!
If JavaQueen is taking up a collection, I can spare TWO CENTS! ha. or maybe six cents; 2 cents per comment…
You guys are all way nicer than I am.
Oh yeah - I forgot to respond last time - about my Meez. I do try to change her up so that she accessorizes each of my posts. I try to get her doing something related to the post. (Yes, I loved paper dolls when I was a kid - obviously still do!) 
Hmmm… you DID buy the property and everything on it, right? So the bench is quite definitely YOURS. However, to quote Robert Service, “a promise made is a debt unpaid”, and you did say that the bench could be taken away at some point… also… quite frankly… it sounds to me like it’d be easier to let her have the bench than to fight her about it.
Good points. I DID tell the grandmother she could have her son come and get the bench. And it certainly WOULD be easier to just let this girl have it. But I also considered that she may not be the only grandchild and how do I know that her grandparents would have wanted HER to have it over any other grandchildren. For all I know, she may not even be who she says she is, but a friend of someone who knew the story since it is a small town and gossip abounds. Lots to think about though. I appreciate your thoughts on this. Just when I thought I had it all figured out too! LOL
Keep it, Teens - you’re the only one who has owned it for the last several years. It no longer owns to anyone but you.
Annie
Thanks, Annie. I appreciate your thoughts on this.
It sure HAS seemed like mine for the past 8 years.
That old lady is probably haunting it anyway and doesn’t want it moved. It’s where she wants it. Where the hell else is she going to sit. That’s why people die when they try to take it. You’ve got the makings of a book here. “The Case of the Haunted Bench.” Get out Marie Cambridge!!!
ROFLMAO!! I wonder what Marie would do in this situation? heehee.
I guess I’m going to go against the grain on this one. I’m incredibly sentimental about family items, and I have lazy, somewhat irresponsible family who always “intend” to do something. I usually have to give up and take over. Therefore, I’d probably give her one last chance (with a set time limit!). But that’s just me.
It’s okay if you are going against the grain. I asked for opinions and I value yours, Honeywine! Just out of curiosity though, would you ever have approached someone for something after eight years without offering some kind of compensation or replacement? If I felt it was pure sentimental reasons then I would have expected her to ask about it five years ago when her grandmother passed away (her grandfather passed before I bought the house). It almost seems that they didn’t care so much about it until they had a nice yard of their own and figured they could get some free statuary to put in it and take it away from me who has been keeping it here, using it and starting to consider it mine since nobody came in a reasonable amount of time to get it. It did provide a nice little oasis for me when I was going through chemotherapy and my great niece and great nephew have enjoyed it and sat on it with me when they have been over. So now I’d be left with an empty spot but that doesn’t seem to phase them. It feels weird to me. And I totally am not heartless or unreasonable. I laughed at Joan’s suggestion to charge them for storage but I actually don’t think it would be unreasonable for me to ask for compensation to get myself a replacement if they really want to take this one away after all this time. Then I could get one for the spot in my yard, and they could have their sentimental one for a smidgen of a fraction of what it would have cost to be stored. I am thinking that is fair. What is your opinion on that?
i’m not really sure why…but this post has me laughing…uncontrollably. i think i have issues.
LOL. No, it really is funny. And odd too.
hmmm. I can see both sides of this. Let me first say i dont think you could ever actually be mean to anyone. Now, 8 years is a long time, and I can see how you could get tired of nobody showing up and getting attached to it. But maybe she was still a kid living at home when everyone else wasnt showing up. Do you know how old she is? Its true you dont owe her anything. You have every right to keep it. But on the other hand having lost family members and their possessions when I really had no control, I can see where she may be coming from also. I think this is one of those times where you have to follow your own heart, and gut.
Good luck!!
Thanks, Calamity - I think I see both sides of it too and that is why it made me want to get more opinions. I was so torn I didn’t know which way to go, but hearing all of your thoughts does help and makes me see things I may not have thought of. So I really do appreciate your input!
May I have the bench Teeni? I would like to sunbathe on it…haha! Just kidding, oh please I hope nothing happens to me. That’s a strange situation and I amazed that my post is similar in a peculiar way. How weird!!!
I was kidding so no, you can’t have the bench. I enjoy reading your posts too much to risk having the bench curse befall you. How selfish is that?
I think it would be totally reasonable for you to ask for a replacement in return for allowing her to take it. If it had genuine sentimental value, I would have thought she would have OFFERED to replace it!
Or just keep it and say no. Morally, as well as legally, its yours now. After all that time, you have built up your own memories and sentimental values!!
People are weird. Very weird.
Ha! Justme, you expressed my sentiments exactly. I was thinking that same thing when I finished reading her letter. People ARE weird! LOL And thanks for adding your opinion. I tend to think that is a fair way to go. I appreciate your time and your thoughts.
I’ll be another to go against the grain, somewhat.
For one thing, you’ve previously offered to let them have the bench. In a way, it could be considered their property which you have kindly maintained for them. Now, you could charge them rent, as others have suggested, but you never gave them notice that you would charge rent if they didn’t pick it up.
In any case, you’ve had use of the bench for these past several years, so they could conceivably charge you rent for use of their property.
So, in a way, it’s really a grey area.
You’re also right in thinking that perhaps they’re just looking for a way to save some money on buying a bench for themselves. After all, if it meant that much to them, why not have picked it up sooner?
Then again, when people are alive and with us, their things aren’t as meaningful as they are once they’re gone. When they’re alive, they can always get new things. When they’re gone, those things become frozen in time in a way, as they then become the last things they will ever own.
It’s possible that no one thought of the bench again until maybe they were flipping through a photo album one day and saw it in a photo.
My grandparents had a pair of lamps that I would like to have back. On the last day of moving things out of the house, they went in the donation batch. At the time, I was okay with that, since they would be going to a good cause. But, then later, I find them in so many old photos that I really wish I still had them to continue the memories for future generations. You know? But, I have no idea where those lamps are now.
But, if I did, I would certainly be willing to buy the owner a new lamp to replace it! I wouldn’t just expect them to give it to me. After all, I let them go to begin with.
In the case of the bench, no one ever picked it up when they said they would.
So, given the circumstances, I would let them have the bench, if they are willing to buy you a replacement bench (new or used, but in comparable condition).
That is basically how I was going to answer them. I am thinking I will let them know that for the past five years that I had given up thinking someone was coming for it and I’ve incorporated into my yard and have been using it with my family (which is true). I’d be happy to let them have it but will now have nothing to sit on where I’ve had that bench for the past eight years. I will look at local garden nurseries and statuary shops to get some estimates on reasonable facsimiles of the bench and if they are willing to contribute towards one for me and take this one away within a reasonable time frame then we can all be happy. I still have to find some time to write it all out nicely though. Thanks for your thoughts on this, Dan. I appreciate it. A rather interesting situation though, don’t you think?