Appearances can be Deceiving
Posted on September 3, 2008 - Filed Under Public Service
I just want to take a moment to remind all my blog buds that things aren’t always what they appear online. I’m pretty sure we all know we should be careful with our personal information. But I also think you should be careful with your emotions and sympathies. It can be physically and emotionally draining to invest too much in something that may not be real. It can also be pretty insulting to find out that you were being played with. I think most of the blog buddies I’ve been fortunate enough to get to know are very nice people and I would hate to see any one of them get taken advantage of. I also think they are pretty intelligent people and that they will probably NOT get taken advantage of because they will recognize some red flags. I certainly don’t mean to sound condescending on here.
But when I found out about the following story, it amazed me that so many people had fallen for it - good, intelligent people. And so I wanted to share to make sure you are aware that these things do happen, people do get fooled, and yes, there are people who will stoop so low as to feign serious illnesses and pretend to be innocent characters. There are also plenty of others who just seek attention. They can be extremely convincing. Please take a few moments to check these links out and just remember that things are not always as they seem. I don’t want any of my buds getting hurt in any way.
As interesting as these stories are, it is good to keep in mind that a LOT of people were emotionally abused and taken advantage of, not to mention some may have contributed financially or materially because they were nice people and thought they were helping someone out. So please just be wary. Thanks to Calamity for some of this info.
Note: Edited this post to move the links to before my signature instead of after so they will be more noticeable.
A fabricated life and death
Red flags cause doubt - The boy is identified
Another good post about the subject
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55 Responses to “Appearances can be Deceiving”
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And I really do love the poem, Teeni!
Hi there Teeni,
Fascinating. I have come across a few incidence of false identities in my time on the web - but they have been pretty harmless ones, although it still feels upsetting and disconcerting to find out that someone is not all you thought they were. Well, I found it that way anyway.
But the internet does give people the opportunity to be who they want to be. So you are right and we do need to be wary. And some people are very very convincing.
But I firmly believe that the vast majority of people are good and kind and honest and that blogs are a safe place to hang out as long as you exercise a little caution and trust your instincts.
I totally agree with you, RB. In my case the good far outweighs any bad. I just wanted to point this stuff out because I know I’m a skeptical person by nature but not sure how skeptical some of my buddies are. I wonder if you’ll blog about some of your experiences sometime - that would be cool! You will be coming back soon, won’t you? Miss ya!
Wow! You said I am smart and intelligent. Gee. Tank U.
It sucks for the people who really need the support, because that will be more people with a loss of trust for anybody.
Exactly! And I don’t necessarily equate nice with gullible but it’s rare that you hear of some jerk getting taken advantage of so there just may be a link with nice people who don’t want to believe there are those forces out there. I don’t know. **shrugs** Anyway, I know we all know this stuff but it can’t hurt to have a little reminder every so often.
FYI…B.E. Earl does not exist.
Phew! That felt good.
LOL. But I’ve seen your tattoo. Well, at least I think it was a tattoo. And I think it was yours.
Were there supposed to be some links with this post? Great post by the way.
But you mentioned other stories, but no links. Did I misunderstand that part? 
Nope - you got it right - I guess the links weren’t very visible but thanks to your comment, I moved them to “before” my signature so they won’t be so easily missed. I think you will find them interesting!
This has been a long time, so I may not be correct on all the details. This was the pre-Internet days. A couple years after I graduated high school, one of my grade school teachers got cancer. She toughed it out, continued teaching, wearing headscarves or hats when her hair fell out from the chemotherapy, and there was a small outpouring of community support for her, especially in the schools. I don’t know that she was the most popular of teachers, but she was rather well-liked and wasn’t known among students (at least during my time there) as a “mean” teacher or anything. She was reasonably nice. I remember seeing her picture in the paper at a basketball game or something, where they talked about her cancer and condition.
Then, I don’t remember how long later, she was busted for insurance fraud or something like that. She didn’t have cancer at all. As I recall, she faked the whole thing!
So, those kinds of things aren’t exclusive to the Internet. Maybe a little easier online, but such things happen in “real life” too!
Very true, Dan. Thanks for the story - sorry you had to find this stuff out when you were so young. It really is pretty crummy no matter where or how it happens. It sucks.
Wow! Нормально!
Yeah! PPPPPbbbbbtttthhhhhtt!
This is definitely something to watch out for. You know how I feel about this kind of thing, it is a shame that anybody would be so depressed and lonely that they would need to “invent” an online persona, especially one with so many “issues” just to attract attention. But sadly, this kind of thing obviously does happen! I’m surprised I hadn’t heard of these particular cases until now, so thank you for sharing the links here.
We all need to be careful - but thankfully for most of us, our blogging buddies are 100% genuine. I’m grateful for that!
It is sad to think someone would feel that sad and lonely. I think we are very lucky to have such good blog friends but it doesn’t hurt to be reminded once in a while to be on the lookout. I had heard about these cases a long time ago, and have been meaning to post about them for quite some time. Other posts just kept getting in the way though. LOL.
Much better before rather than after. My first time through I mistook them for those automatically generated links that some WordPress.com users get after their posts.
All very interesting. Really gets one thinking. Hmmm…???
LOL. Yes, you are right - better before than after. They did look like the auto generated links. I need to remember that my edit font and the published font are different too so things don’t always look the same after I hit “publish.”
And yeah, it really does make one wonder.
Great post. Thanks! I tend to be very open and gullible. I would never send money, though.
I stumbled this post and have added you to my technorati favorites.
Well, thank you so much, Jean! I love being stumbled!
I just visited your site too. You have some great posts! I will add you to my reader because I have a feeling I’ll be going back to read more! 
I think that we do need to draw the distinction between people who create fake personas (especially with illnesses or whatnot) to draw attention to themselves or just to see if they can trick people, and those people who create different identities to protect their privacy or for other more legitimate reasons.
Consider that, for years, writers have used pen names. Female authors might write using their initials or create a masculine pen name. When Stephen King wrote a non-horror novel, he did so under an assumed name. Today, however, were a blogger to do that, people call foul!
Consider too that most of us wear masks of some sort, yet, for whatever reason, it is often only when we do so under an assumed name that people will cry foul. Few of us act the same way around family, friends, strangers, etc. For most of us, our personalities change depending upon where we are and who we surround ourselves with.
And, maybe for some people, when they are alone with their computer, they behave in a much darker way than they might with someone around.
Of course, this is not to excuse those who use false identities to deceive others into giving false compassion or even money, but just to explain that not everyone who has an alternate persona is doing so for devious reasons.
Very true, Dan. I definitely think that distinction needs to be drawn and I certainly didn’t mean that everyone who doesn’t give their identities or personal information out online is to be feared because everyone does have the right to protect themselves and remain anonymous. Pen names are wonderful and fun for people who only want to let out a little of their personalities online. Yet there is a big difference between someone who uses a persona and someone who hides behind a false identity to take advantage of others. I really don’t understand the behavior of people who try to drum up compassion for themselves liek that and play on other people’s sensitivities but apparently there are some illnesses that might cause someone to behave that way and then there are just some devious people too. **sigh** But good point and I’m glad you brought it up. Thanks.
FASCINATING. Call it being nice or call it being gullible but most of us want to do the ‘right thing’ and sometimes those silly doubts of authenticity can make one wonder if we just don’t ‘care enough’ and then it is just a seesaw of emotions. Ah, those funny shades of gray…
Exactly - great way to describe it - a seesaw of emotions. And yeah, those shades of gray do make you wonder if you don’t “care enough” but maybe we really should pay attention to our instincts when something doesn’t jive, you know just be a little more aware or something.
Hey Teens,
You know I’d never heard of the first girl - but the one about the boy - I think they made a movie about it with Robin Williams and Toni Gillette. it is amazing what people will do to get attention. And you’re right - it’s easy to accept people at face value and we should be careful - these two were very good cautionary tales.
Annie
Yeah, it really is amazing what they will do. I feel so bad for the people who get duped and all the range of emotions they must go through - anger, humiliation, hurt, and then think about the trust issues they must go on to have in the future. Sheesh. Oh, I haven’t seen that movie but I will look for it. It is something definitely to be wary of.
I’ve lightly considered once or twice starting a fictional blog, but it would have had a clear disclaimer stating it was serial fiction, and be more of a fun gossipy Melrose Place type thing. Still might do it sometime.
If you did that, I’d sure want to read it - sounds like fun!
But that is totally different, especially with a disclaimer, than someone who does it to take advantage of people.
That’s a little bizzare… In fact that’s very bizzare. You’ve gotta wonder what knowing these people in real life would be like!
Very true. In one case it was a girl’s mother. You just never know. Freaky.
I can be very gullible and my daughter keeps telling me to be careful. Thanks for the reminder. It’s hard to believe what some people will do for attention. Well, at least you know I’m me and your you.
LOL - very true Joan. There are some people who I have no doubts about - you are one of them. And I’m definitely me! Just ask TGH! LOL.
Lol chuckling at you and Joan
How scary is that?!?! I almost want to go through all my blogs and have a good look around!
Seriously, I can only think of one blog that raises a few red flags for me, the rest I’m very confident are wonderful peeps, like you!
Aw, I feel the same way Hay. There aren’t many that I suspect, but I have definitely seen red flags.
Thanks sad that they do that.
Everything I say is all true 
You’re welcome.
Thanks for the reminder
Pretty amazing…for folks to go that far in deception makes my stomach queasy..to think about. I can think of one blogger I don’t think is “real” but I just keep my distance. If they start collecting money I’ll arrest them!
I can’t decide if one is worse than the other - playing on people’s sympathy or parting them with their money. I think they are equally cruel.
I had heard of the Tony case, in fact I think I may have seen the 20/20 special on it… it’s very sad that people feel the need to create these fictitious lives for whatever purpose, be it attention, sympathy, …
I love your response to the spam! Though I might have gotten a bit wet
I will have to try and find a copy of that book that “Tony” supposedly wrote. It would be interesting. LOL - Oh, sorry to make you wet! But I figured I may as well have fun with them if they are going through the trouble of leaving the messages.
You have shamed me into confessing that I am actually a 90 year old Asian Jewish woman from Iceland. I just can’t go on living a lie.
But seriously, on the internet a person can be anything and anyone. One must be careful what one actually puts faith in.
Yeah, right. I don’t for one second believe you are from Iceland. I get the feeling you are from a much warmer place. LOL. But yes, seriously, it is good to remind ourselves every so often that we must be careful. Thanks for the fun comment, Evyl. We needed a little lightness after that serious post.
Yes- did you ever notice that we have never actually seen Dan (DCR)??? He doesn’t exist!
Does anyone remember that author who was supposed to be a young adult male prostitute or something with a harrowing tale and it turned out to be a middle aged woman? I wish I could remember it all- it caused quite a stir a little while ago…
I am not really into vintage- in fact I have never been in a thrift store in my life and my five kids don’t exist either. I actually live in a house with 50 cats and they smell up the joint! MEOWRRR! PHFITT PFITT down cat- I is commenting!!!
LOL. I do kind of suspect Dan. He never shows his face and has so many blogs that nobody could possible trace him if we tried looking for him.
But at least he isn’t playing on my sympathies. I just naturally feel bad for him thinking he might look like his avatar - a cross between Alfred E. Neuman and Beaver Cleaver. 
Michelle - I think that story you are talking about is the one I linked to in the second line of links - a young boy who allegedly was sold into prostitution by his parents then authored a book on his experiences. They were saying his voice and the voice of his supposed adopted mother were the same. What on earth are these people thinking??!!
Ummm, michelle is kidding??
I don’t know - how can we tell for sure?
we cant
Oy. I am terribly gullible and have so much faith in people that I would easily be sucked into one of these scams. Thanks for posting this to remind me…not everyone is who they seem. Eek.
I don’t mean to make you paranoid, 2LD - just want to put out a gentle reminder so we are always aware that people like this exist. That’s all. And it’s because I care.
Actually I was speaking about JT Leroy
the pen name of Laura Albert.
The link is here and I couldn’t think of the initials JT earlier… I read about JT Leroy in writer’s digest and in Yahoo News sometime ago. I thought it pathetic.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/JT_LeRoy
Oh, well, that’s another interesting one. There are a lot of aspiring and great writers on the blogs and that is yet another reason to be a little wary. It seems like Laura Albert did fool people by creating a character for a book and then trying to make him appear real. I think she should have just admitted her story was fiction and taken credit for being so creative. I’d have no problem with people paying for that book. But making people think it was a real person is unethical, in my opinion.
I read the link about Tony and it immediately made me think about JT Leroy- although I couldn’t think of the names earlier…
Naw Dan probably looks like Fabio… HA HA HA!
Dan = Fabio? Ah HAHAHAHA! ROFL!
>> Yes- did you ever notice that we have never
>> actually seen Dan (DCR)??? He doesn’t exist!
But, you have heard me. I did have a brief audio post a long time ago.
>> LOL. I do kind of suspect Dan. He never shows
>> his face and has so many blogs that nobody could
>> possible trace him if we tried looking for him.
I’m easy to find. I’ve had the same eMail address for about ten years. But, no one is ever looking for me!
Except the spammers, of course.
>> …Beaver Cleaver.
Yay! It worked. We were going for a 50’s look!
Hmm. I wonder if it was that audio post that scared Joanne out of blogging?
LOL. Dan, I never heard that audio post, but it could have been ANYone! But maybe the combo of the voice and the avatar is what keeps people from looking for you?
im kinda afraid to look.
*eek!*
Sorry, Red. I think the good outweighs the bad though.
Hmm. sad that there are people who do that, for what though, for fun, or for pretending, or just the heck of it. I am real. Ask Odette, she’s a friend in person, we’re real! Hehehe
Hmm - Actually, having other people who have met you or known you in real life does help your credibility. But don’t worry, I wasn’t suspecting you yet, Sheng! We just met not long ago, after all. LOL. It will take me a little bit before I get suspicious.
I’ve had my radar up ever since your email (do you remember that?) and it was a great heads-up. I am not gullible about this because I knew so early on with that email. I read it, I took it all in, and I saw exactly where you were coming from. I’m not that emotionally invested. Another great reminder Teens.
I remember. I just think we gotta look out for each other if we can, ya know? Some of us are too nice and don’t need our hearts dragged through the spikes and lies. And I could be wrong about some things but it doesn’t hurt to just keep an eye out, right?
Very good point, Teeni. I think everyone is wont to exaggerate a bit when you have a good chance of never seeing your “blog buddies” in person, but it is sad to know that there are people out there who really take advantage of genuinely nice people.
I like knowing that some of my blog readers know me in real life. Keeps me honest, because I know they could always call bull on me.
I think you are totally right, MJ. And I don’t mean to make anyone paranoid but just remind them that it happens because I don’t want any of my buddies to get hurt that way, you know? I have met some blog buddies in person and I have family members who read my blog so I try to keep it real too without totally giving up anonymity. I just have a problem with people taking advantage of nice people. Bugs the crap out of me, whether it’s emotional or material. Anyway, I think most of the people I’ve met online are wonderful, even the ones I don’t have a lot in common with.
Such scams take place in normal life fairly frequently too. In the blogsphere, it is all the more difficult to judge the genuineness of the case and some of us “softies” get suckered in. I plead guilty to being suckered both on of offline!
Aw, Rummy! I’m sorry to know you’ve been taken advantage of. That stinks. I guess we all do at one point or another. That’s why I just like to try and raise awareness. I like my good buddies too much and I don’t want them getting taken advantage of just like I don’t want them getting nasty comments on the posts, you know what I mean?
People weren’t looking for me before the avatar, so that can’t be it, nor can it be the voice/avatar combo.
Maybe it’s the voice. I was the voice of “You have received new mail!” on my community network long ago. Maybe people got tired of hearing me?
LOL. I don’t know. Don’t go getting all paranoid on us now, Dan. We’re just teasing you!
ive read other stories similar to these..
in fact, one time while i was playing Ultima Online (and online roleplaying game), someone tried to pull something similar, and it had caught on the newswires that it was all a fake. Someone on the internet boards had found the guys number, so one night on a whim i called him and chewed him out. it felt good.
Oh, I bet that DID feel good. Trolls, frauds, and people like that who take advantage of others all fall in the same category of scum to me.
Gosh, I’ve been missing so much (again!).. I’d never heard of this story but have myself come across some that I suspected were not what they portrayed themselves to be…
I whole heartedly agree with DCR’s comment #10.. emotionally deceiving and trapping others under a disguised persona is what the problem is, not if it’s merely for privacy reasons that does not harm anyone..
I’ve come across males disguised as females, just to be friends with females.. it is sickening! Just be smart…
Yes, Pearl - Dan (DCR) explained it better than I did - I wish I had thought to mention in the post that I didn’t mean the people who are just protecting their anonymity. It’s just the ones who deceive and take advantage of others that I mind. But Dan’s cool and he seemed to know what I meant, anyway. He’s good to have around - but don’t tell him - I don’t want his head swelling. I can just imagine what his creepy avatar would look like then. Sheesh. LOL.
There really is no line for some people.
True. But I do believe most of you are real. So either I’m gullible or crazy. Either way, I’m the happy kind.
I like to think that I am a good skeptic, but in all honesty I’m pretty trusting, which sets me up for being gullible. I hate when people trick me though; you’d think I’d learn!
I don’t like being tricked either. It makes me want to pound someone into the ground and then do a jig on their head. Not that it’s ever happened to me though.
LOL.
OK, I’ll finally admit it. I don’t actually exist either — I just think I do.
Wow - you had me fooled too.
Wow, quite the turnout you got on this one.
Yeah, it is a big turnout! Those Stumbles must be paying off! But never fear, there is always plenty of room at the tea room and always a special seat for you and one for Bunny too!
Wow. That was an eye opener. I feel so bad for people who have a kind heart and good intentions, and what they get in return is so undeserving. Ugh. It’s a shame.
You said it. I feel for them too. I don’t like seeing that happen to anyone (me included).
Oh, and I love your new avatar.
Meez, I mean.
Thanks, Wendy! Keep coming by and checking her out - she changes all the time, depending on my post.
Thank you for the heads up teeni, that is something i kind of forget about. i was reading about a couple who were in an accident recently, and now their friends are running an online auction to raise money for their doctor bills etc. reading your post made me wonder, how do we know if it’s for real? unless we know the people directly, or know of someone who does, how would we know?
It is hard to tell but I think after a while if you get to know people a bit then you can be a better judge. I don’t mean to make people paranoid, just to stay alert and aware. I think there are probably red flags in most cases that are not frauds, it’s just that people don’t really want to believe it I think. I can understand it because I don’t like to think people will do those things, but sadly, there are some who do. I guess my advice is that you need to feel comfortable if you are going to part with money and you need to guard your emotions especially if things don’t seem to be adding up. That’s the best any of us can do.
that is why I never believe anyone
present company excepted, i’m sure
for as sad as these cases are, though, it is heartnening to know there are so many in the world lending a shoulder, hand, etc.
like the saying goes
the proof is in the pudding
(i have no idea what that has to do with anything here)
There are definitely more wonderful people here than not, in my opinion. And you said it - the proof is in the pudding. I don’t know either, but I like pudding so it stays. Chocolate is the best.
Very sad that people go to such lengths. I am rather gullable with this sort of thing, so thank you for reminding me that not everyone is honest. Even though i would like to believe they are.
I would like to believe so too, Casdok! And I am usually crushed when I find out otherwise. But then I like to make sure my friends don’t get hurt too.
One of my girlfriends had a co-worker who pretended to have Cancer for years, and after she basically didn’t die, they investigated and found out that she was lying, stealing $$, faking sick days, etc. It was awful, and this was a major company, not some rinky dink little place. Its amazing to me what a-holes people can be.
Yeah, I am also amazed. And yours isn’t the first story I’ve heard like this! It makes me wonder if there is some new social/attention disorder that makes people sink to new lows in their desire for attention. And the ones who accept money are despicable!
Great post, Teeni! I am I am another skeptic, not only on line either! It’s a habit.
I had never heard of the stories you posted but I once came across a blog about a girl who explained why she had another ‘fake persona’ blog. I was floored!
You could really play games with people like that:)
Hi BD! I’m a skeptic in real life too! I can understand why some people have a fake persona. But I will never understand taking advantage of someone else emotionally or monetarily. It’s just plain mean. So if someone has one for that reason, then that is not okay with me.
GREAT post Teeni, and thanks for being so informative!
I had heard about Kaycee(and remember the furor when she supposedly died and people started putting two and two together..
I am a natural sceptic too as many have said. I try to always trust my instincts(as they are usually right)when confronting a dubious webpage or blog.
I remember that great New Yorker cartoon showing two dogs (one of which sitting at a computer)..it says to the other dog,
“On the Internet, no one knows that you are a dog”..LOLOLOL!
LOL! That is a great cartoon and appropriate in more ways than one!
strange people, to actually live a life of lies and deception.
thank you for the warning, i have tendencies to believe anybody that easy.
I think we all need to remind ourselves of this stuff every once in a while. I don’t want any of my buddies getting hurt!
[…] I want to share with you a post that one of my very good blogging friends teeni wrote on how Appearances can be deceiving, in which teeni has provided links to stories and other people’s posts when some good […]
I’m very gullable to but not that very naive.I’m just learning that my blog isn’t a personal diary. I have been pretty open and have given personal information out ,for sure I’ve given all my emotions out.
I find it hard not to care when I feel a care for some-one. You - know when you meet some-one and you instantly feel some sort of love Yes ! Love or a love grows. I don’t know how to stop that connection. I wouldn’t want to stop it but I’m aware we have to be careful.
Written relationships can be hard, especially if theres only one of you truly in it.
Thank- you for this Teeni. I’ve read the storys. Yes ! It goes on doesn’t.
Love & Care
Di
It is hard not to care - very hard. That’s one of the reasons we need to remind ourselves to be a little wary. Because even if the online persona is not real, our emotions still are, and we don’t need our hearts dragged around and over the coals. So I just like to remind myself and my friends just to be careful.
This is incredibly creepy. Oh…my…word… I’m sending you an e-mail related to this. Bizarre!
EXCELLENT post, Teeni, and timely. This subject has been on my mind a lot lately.
One of the things I love so much about blogging is the fact that it connects me to amazing people– big hearts and big brains all mushed together on a regular basis makes me happy. I’ve never considered not taking bloggers at face value until recently, and it’s weighed very heavily on my mind. Had I to do it all over again, I probably wouldn’t change things much, because numbers-wise, the honest, funny, semi-sane bloggers outnumber the bad apples a million to one. Yes, that is a scientifically proven statistic. ;P
I am going to try to be a little more savvy, but you know, I think it’s just a risk we take– car mechanics sometimes take advantage of me too, but I still keep driving.
I’m glad you liked the post, Moonbeam. And I like your attitude, mostly because I feel the same way - my total online experience has been far, far more positive than negative and I would hope that one bad apple wouldn’t ruin the whole experience for someone who is otherwise getting a lot of enjoyment out of it.
I just have come to really care for so many of my online buds that I don’t like them to get taken advantage of so I just like to remind everyone to be safe. Hugs to you and thanks for commenting.
[…] are being duped or taken advantage of. Teeni at the Vaguetarian Tea Room wrote an excellent, thought-provoking post addressing this subject, and I thank her for it, because it’s been on my mind so much […]